


it’s all your fault, anyway, and it always has been

by meliore



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes-centric, Desertion, Gen, Mental Health Issues, No Romance, Panic Attacks, Survivor Guilt, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 15:31:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16088978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliore/pseuds/meliore
Summary: It's 1943.James Barnes, once known by his courage and strength, runs away and only leaves a short letter behind.





	it’s all your fault, anyway, and it always has been

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if this was something that was on my mind for some time before i sat down to write it or if i just. sat down. and writed it. but i know that it's here.
> 
> it might not even be, but i feel less insecure when i warn for things like that, so i'll just say that this might be out of character and/or... bad? i don't know. but You Only Live Once and i felt like posting it, so.
> 
> i think that anything that might need a warning is already on the tags? i might be wrong.
> 
> this is unrevised. despite the fact that my sleep schedule is now normal again, i feel tired, so i might've forgot something -- in the notes or in the story itself.

A man his age should not be a coward.

He was not a coward.

Not as a young child, who understood that he was going to be an older brother -- a source of support -- to someone, who knew he should be strong and fearless so he could protect his siblings; not as a teenager, who found himself befriending the blond idiot who needed to let his anger out because it was eating him alive, who maked him think of Rebecca and of how she never realized how young -- and weak, they were so weak -- she was; not as a young adult who did what he wanted and knew how to charm even the most puritan girl and didn’t fear divine punishment.

James Barnes was not a coward.

At least, he shouldn’t be.

He should not be afraid, he should be strong, he should fight. He didn’t wanted to die, but if he did, it’d be for the greater good, so he should accept it and fight and maybe he’d survive and maybe he’d see his family again.

He reminded himself of the words his mother had spoken, _you’re such a brave boy_ and _you have to be strong_ and _you have to be brave_. He held the necklace Becca had given him two years ago, the one he never forgot, golden with a pendant of The Star of David and he kissed it and he prayed.

He prayed, because he _was_ afraid even if he acted like he wasn’t, because he was seeing men he knew die in front of him like it was nothing, because he felt like he’d be the next one.

Because he was not able to stop it from happening. He could deal with some fights. He could shoot someone from a distance. But someone would always die and it was natural and he should just try to keep himself and at least one more soldier alive.

He couldn’t accept it. He felt weak. He felt like he should’ve been able to stop it, and then it’d happen again and again and again and he never could save them.

They died in front of him.

Many times they didn’t notice him, but there were times where they did and sometimes they tried to talk, they tried to ask for help, help, _please help me, I have a family_ and he couldn’t, and he heard about their children who would never see them again or about their sibling who they promised to come back to or about their parents who didn’t even knew they’d lose their child. He heard they talk about it and he didn’t help them and how, how is he any more worthy than them, why can’t he die with them?

He was afraid, like he was a little child, like he wasn't the adult he thought he was. He was afraid even though he should never be afraid. He’s a man, and he could save them, but he didn’t.

He trembled and he cried but he couldn’t help, he trembled and he cried and he killed them because he didn’t help.

When he felt like he couldn’t breathe for the first time, he was terrified. He thought he’d die again and again, but he never did. _Are you okay there?_ , they asked, and he nodded.

Mother had said _you’re gonna be a strong man, James_ and then, after some more words, _who will protect the ones who are weaker than you_. Father had agreed, quietly, the way he always did -- tired, but prideful -- and he failed them.

Failed them all, failed the soldiers who got hurt or died because he couldn’t be near them because there were so much people in his unit; failed Becca, who had promised she wouldn’t play with her dolls until he came back home because they always played together; failed Carol, who said she’d matchmake him with a girl once he came back and failed Thomas, who kept his secrets better than his own self could.

He was weak and he was a coward. Even if he knew how to fight and even if he had physical strength, he was more weak than anyone could be. He was afraid, more afraid than a little child, more afraid than anyone in the world.

A coward.

 _Please_ , they begged, _please please please_ and they bled, they bled, his hands were dirty with the blood of the men he had fought with, dirty with the blood of that guy who disliked him for no reason and of that child, a child that should be with his parents. His hands trembled and he cried and he couldn’t breathe.

And if someone asked, or looked at him for too long, he’d say _I’m fine_ and _don’t look at me like that_ and sometimes, when it was too much,  _don’t look at me like that, leave me alone, leave me alone, I’m fine, I’m fine!_ because he was a man and because he had pride.

It was too much. Their blood and their fate in his hands.

He was supposed to be strong, he thought, but he was not.

There was a small group of men who he found himself being friendly with. Maybe he was too transparent, or maybe they were good observers. They never asked if he was fine, but they knew he was not.

And maybe his tense body language told them what he was about to do, or maybe it was the way he looked to somewhere far away, not really seeing what was in front of him.

But they nodded, and kept talking about something he didn’t wanted to hear, and the man he woke up in the middle of the night didn’t complain. He held the envelope James gave him and put it in his pocket.

* * *

 

**_September 10, 1943_ **

_My lovely mother,_

_I have something to tell you._

_You have called me brave in more than one occasion, and you know that I never wanted to disappoint you. But I am not brave anymore, mother; I am the worst type of coward now._

_I saw men -- some of them were older than me, but there were children too, mother, boys that could easily have the same age Carol has -- dying in front of me, and I could not do anything. I did not save them, mother._

_They are dead because of me._

_I have always wanted to please you, and to please father. And I know that there would be no greater disappointment for both of you than having someone who saw another person dying and did not help them as a son. I am truly sorry, mother._

_I know that I have no right to ask something from you, not after I did the one thing that would be unforgivable to you -- I did not help them, mother, they asked me to, and I didn’t -- so I only ask two things from you._

_One,_

_Tell them -- father, Carol, Thomas, Becca and Steve -- that I will, likely, not come back._

_Two,_

_Take care of yourself, mother._

_I am sorry._

_Sincerely,_

_JBB_

* * *

 When the morning comes and, one by one, the asleep soldiers wake up, no one knows where Sergeant Barnes is.

**Author's Note:**

> it's said, in the fandom wikipedia, that bucky is the eldest child of four -- and by what i understand, this means he had three siblings. if i understood it wrong, in this particular story he has three siblings.
> 
> as far as i know, the only sibling who has an official name is rebecca, so carol and thomas are names i came up with.


End file.
